Getting Ready

Yes, it has been a while since I last posted. I have been spending my time reading some books and thinking about stuff.

I have decided to not post as much. I want to go from quantity to quality. I want to slow down and savor life. There are lots of things that I would rather be out doing than sitting here trying to recount my day. If I were a more interesting person, doing more interesting things, maybe it would be worth it. But on a daily basis, I’m just not that interesting of a person.

I’m still going to continue blogging, because I have some genuinely interesting projects coming up, just expect a post once a week. I definitely recommend adding me to your Google reader, so my updates will come to you, instead of you checking my site daily for updates.

If you’re interested in reading my random thoughts throughout the day, you can follow me on Twitter. It’s easy to sign up and easy to use. If you don’t want to get sucked into it, you can read my tweets from here on my blog directly. It’s up to you.

This past Tuesday, December 16th, has been 5 weeks without Coke. Personally, I am amazed. I would normally have caved by now. I still feel strong in my resolve. I wish what has been my influence came years ago. I think a friend from my past, Kara, would be proud. I haven’t had any conventional candy bars either. So far I’ve only had one chocolate bar that fit the bill. It was free trade, organic, and didn’t contain HFCS. Oh, almost forgot, haven’t had any potato or corn chips either. It sounds like I’ve gone quite militant, n’est-ce pas? Maybe I have, maybe not. Blame REI, blame Michael Pollan, blame that I’m a liberal, blame turning 35, or blame not making it to the top of Half Dome. Blame all of the above, or none of the above. I don’t think the reason matters much to me, quite honestly. All I know right now is that I’m having some surprising results. J This hasn’t come all of a sudden out of the blue. It’s been growing little by little for some time now. Part of it is the slowing down.

I had started telling a story about myself, but I removed it because it wasn’t really necessary. I spoke of growing up in the 80’s and never learning to make tortillas from scratch. Basically I was posing a theory that I had sabotaged my future eating habits growing up because I had refused to learn how to cook.

So what projects do I have coming up worth sharing? The Half Dome rematch is a big one. I still haven’t determined a date. May feels too early, August too hot. I like the thought of early June, but I know that June and July are the busiest months to hike Half Dome. I just want to make sure that I won’t have to worry about another storm on the horizon.

I mentioned this next one before, as I was contemplating even attempting it. I have made up my mind, and I have made the commitment: I have joined a LiveSTRONG challenge team. I have committed to raising $1,107.01 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation, and I will finally (FINALLY) be riding in my first century. (I’ve only ridden metrics in the past). In case some of you are wondering why such an odd amount of money, it’s because my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer on 11/07/01. The ride takes place during July in San Jose. I wish Lance could be there, but I’m pretty sure he won’t because he’ll be in France riding in Le Tour. Don’t panic yet-- I plan on waiting until after this holiday season before I start my passionate plea for your money.

Oh, and that thing that I wrote of previously, I have decided NOT to do it. I can’t. It’s just way too personal. I sense the contradiction in that statement, I’m blogging about my life for potentially all the world to see, yet wanting to maintain a sense of privacy. It’s times like this that I’m relieved that less than ten people read my blog. (And that’s on a good day)

There is one last thing, but I can’t talk about it just yet. It wouldn’t be prudent. If you are my friend on Facebook, you already know. I promise all will be revealed as soon as I think it is acceptable to do so. Definitely sometime in January, I think.

That is all I have for now.

Love, Yvette

The Quick and Dirty

The main reason I am giving you the quick and dirty update is because I'm going out of town next week for work and I will be gone all week. Good thing cats are easier to leave with a sitter than kids!!!

Work has been busy. Every October is a major reporting deadline. Hospitals report to the central registry (me), we report to the state registry, the state reports to the feds in Washington D.C.- okay, technically Virginia. So, since Half Dome I've been working with my head down trying to get all my cases in before what is known as a "call for data". It's the first step in all studies and trials. That is over and now we start a whole new cycle of investigation for the new reporting year.

Halloween was a blast. My costume this year was Ugly Betty. I sooooo rocked the costume. For those of you that don't know, my family takes Halloween very seriously. We plan our costumes months in advance. This is how serious we are. I am already thinking of what I want to be next year. I have to think of several possibilities because I won't know exactly what my situation will be next year. I might be single, I might have a boyfriend, I won't know until then. We have a costume contest with prizes, and I have found that partner costumes fair better than an individual costume. I actually won a prize this year! I won third place. Second place was Granny and Jed from the Beverly Hillbillies, and first place was Mr & Mrs Homie the clown. Their schtick was hilarious. This year was a pretty good year for me because I ended up wearing my costume for three parties. I've never gone that many before. It would have been one more, but my shift at REI was cut.

Speaking of REI, business has been slow, so I have had zero hours. I'm not hurting for money, but I am a little bummed that I'm not earning any Christmas money for gifts just yet. I'm certain once we get into the Christmas season my hours will pick up. I miss my co-workers. I'm pretty much there to hang out with all my friends than to actually earn some money. One of my co-workers has left to take a position at our Encinitas store. I will miss her, but I'm excited about the potential future road trips. Of course this is a huge leap of faith on my part. My car does not like to drive south. It only knows how to drive north, but I have friends down in LA I miss and want to see them soon. Especially before Jenny's wedding date!

Back to Half Dome. It's going to be a reoccuring theme in this blog. I should just rename my blog The Blossom and the Half Dome :) I have a tentative date set for August 2009, but it will all really come down to when campsites are available. I want definite summer, so storms won't be as much of an issue, and later so the water level is low enough that the Mist Trail won't be so Misty and therefore slippery. I will keep you posted as that develops.

I thought I was going to have to cancel my gym membership but it turned out that I didn't have to. I'm glad because I'm going to train right this time, and I really do still want to make it to the top of the climbing wall. I don't know why, but I just do. I may never make it out to do trad climbing out in nature, but at least I want to have some climbing skills.

This kind of brings me to a new topic so to speak I'm contemplating bringing to my blog. Key word CONTEMPLATING. This thought absolutely terrifies me. Two of my favorite blogs are Fat Cyclist and Ragamuffin Soul. Both of these blogs have tackled the weight issue. The original goal of Fat Cyclist was to chronical Elden's (aka Fatty) effort from going from a fat cyclist to a thin one. He called this tool humiliation. Carlos at Ragamuffin Soul recently renamed his weight loss topic Ragamuffintop Challenge. Carlos called this tool public accountability. Sounds less painful but just as vulnerable.

I don't know, it's a terrifying prospect. It scares me on several levels. One, that I have to admit to all the weight I gained over the last ten years. Two, what if it's not enough and I'm just not disciplined enough to do this. I've already failed at Weight Watchers twice. But... there is so much I miss: *insert heavy sigh here* I miss dancing, terribly. Oh you cannot imagine how much I miss it. I don't need to quit my jobs and move to New York and audition for a company. If I was physically able to take a class once a week, be it ballet or modern, it would feel so wonderful to move like that again. To express, to emote, like that. Words- and grammar- don't come easily to me. I can't find words to express what are whole thoughts in my head, which is why I talk so flipping much. I'm better with body language which is why my emotions are so transparent. Yes, I'm rambling.

Okay, back on subject. Another thing I can't help thinking about is the fact that I wanted to lose twenty pounds for Half Dome and didn't. I keep thinking that had I been disciplined enough to lose the weight, it would have made me fast enough to make it to the summit. It's an agonizing what-if. I love dancing and I love hiking and I love facing my fear at the climbing wall. I hate that my body is not able to do what my spirit wants to do. On a side note it also really sucks that I don't fit into any of the clothes I sell at REI. Our largest sizes in the store are a 14-16. Extended sizes are available online for the REI brand clothes but it's not on all items. But I want to wear the other brands too.

Well that's pretty much what's going on with me. Oh, wait. I forgot something. After Half Dome I went to the California Academy of Sciences. It’s a really cool place if you’ve never heard of it before. It’s a natural history museum, an aquarium, a planetarium, and now they’ve added a rainforest exhibit. Back in September CAS reopened after having a new building built. It’s green and very recycled, and I love it. I have pictures, but I haven’t been able to get around to formatting them. Well, I’m going back tomorrow, because I really like the place, and I’m taking my niece Sarah with me. I’m excited because I love sharing educational stuff with “my kids” even though it goes in one ear and out the other-- Proof they are my sister’s kids and not my own.

Here’s a Halloween picture of me as Ugly Betty:

Love, Yvette

Nine Days and Counting....

Okay, I had a moment of weakness today. I temporarily crawled back out on the ledge durning my lunch.

I bought a book about Half Dome back in June after I found out that I would be doing the hike. It's a really good book and I recommend it for any first time ascenders. (free plug here) The book is called One Best Hike by Rick Deutsch. It goes over preparation and what to expect on the hike. I read the sections on history and preparation, but I put the book down before reading the other sections. Being so close to game day, I decided that it would be prudent to finish the rest of the book.

Today while my lunch buddies had an always awesome lunch at Casa Corona, I went to Fajita Fiesta. I've come to really love their roasted chicken plate from their lunch menu. I highly recommend it. If you like garlic, there is a garlic chicken version. Exquisito! It's diced garlic, so the chunks are big enough for me to pick them off and eat them straight. :) I love garlic. Anyways, I brought OBH with me to read while I consumed my garlic with chicken.

I read through all the sections: Trailhead to bridge- Mist Trail- Vernal Fall- Silver Apron Bridge- Nevada Fall- Little Yosemite Valley- The Split- Little Spring. The next section is where I got myself into trouble. View of Half Dome and Sub Dome. Oh, I forgot to mention that the book has pictures. Well I came across a picture that looks like this. I just linked to the picture because it didn't feel right to copy and paste it since it's not my own picture. The vertigo commenced surreptitiously, then exploded into full on "Ledge Mode". You guys get that I'm afraid of heights, right? Well, what got me worried was the thought that if a picture of Sub Dome made my head spin, what would actually being in front of Sub Dome do to me? Not a pleasant thought at all :(

Explaining Sub Dome: Sub Dome is the right shoulder of Half Dome. The top of Sub Dome is the base of the cables. What looks like tiny bushes on Sub Dome are actually full sized trees and there is a series of narrow switchbacks going up to the top. According to the book, over 800 steps, oh, and no railing. Yeeeaaaah.

I worried through the rest of my lunch and for about an hour afterwards, then I was able to calm myself down. I'll get through it, I will. Ha, with all this drama I'm putting in my head, someone might think that the hike isn't worth it. I believe it is. Totally.

Love, Yvette

PS- If you're at all considering hiking Half Dome, I highly recommend Rick's book. I'm pretty sure you can find it here. ;)

11 days and counting….

CAVEAT: If you have no interest in hearing about Half Dome you should avoid my blog at all cost until around October 8th. It’s pretty much all I’m going to be talking about from here until the trip is over and sufficiently documented.

For the record, I am no longer on the ledge. Thank you Steve, and all my other friends for your kind and encouraging words.

Of course, once again, I am at a loss for words. I think that being at home gives me writer’s block or something.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Half Dome (duh) and this whole thing is turning comic to me. I’ve wanted to hike this piece of rock for over ten years. What has always held me back was the fact that I was out of shape and over weight. I always told myself that I was going to get serious about getting back down to (at least close to) my dancing weight. I was going to train serious and get some hiking skills.

It never happened.

Now, in eleven days, I am going to attempt this thing. I will at least go further than I have ever attempted to go before, and I am in the absolute worst shape of my life! I am embarrassed to admit I weigh the most I have ever weighed ever. Working two jobs, I am the least active I have ever been. And here I am, going to do what I feel is the physically hardest thing I have ever done so far in my life. This is going to be harder than my previous metric centuries (62 mile bike rides)

Of course now I have this crazy paradox going on in my head. I want to only think positive, think success. I visualize myself on top of that rock, crying tears of happiness (you know me, big crybaby), dancing on top of my world (for now), singing Solsbury Hill. At the same time, I want to assure myself that if I don’t make it all the way, it’s not the end of the world. Yet, I feel that telling myself that, I’m sabotaging myself and setting myself up for failure. So, having said that, I CAN do this, I WILL make it to the top (and back down).

In my moments of weakness, I am scared. I am going to go semi-nerd on you for a second. I cannot accurately describe the scene because I am not a Ringer, but if you’ve seen Return of the King, you should be able to piece it together and get what I am trying to say. It’s the scene where Theodin and the army come to the aid of the city of Gondor. The army comes over the ridge and looks down on the freaking huge Orc army laying waste to the city. The emotion I am talking about is the look you see on Eowyn’s and Merry’s faces. The look that clearly says, “Dear God in Heaven what the heck did I get myself into?” The look that says I want to turn and run away, and run away fast, but all the exits have been removed. After that look, Eowyn puts her arm around Merry and tells him, “Courage Merry, courage for our friends.” To me that statement says it all. It says, “we’re scared, but we’re going in anyways”. That’s exactly how I feel about this. I am scared, but I am going in anyways.

Yes, I know I am being melodramatic. That’s what I do. But you also know that you cannot roll your eyes at me and call me a drama queen because that will piss me off and I’ll go all Raiders on you and burn down your house. So just put your arm around me and say, “There there now, everything will be alright.”

I’ve created a special Half Dome playlist to give me inspiration as I am mentally preparing myself. It is music to inspire me to keep moving on my hike when I feel like I don’t have the energy to continue. I’ve even made a playlist I titled Panic Button, for if I should hit that brick wall. Unlike really hard bike rides, there are no rest stops with helpful volunteers willing to refill your water bottles, and DEFINITELY no broom wagon to carry you back to the start when your body can’t go anymore. Well, there is someone who can come get you, but later you’ll get a bill in the mail for $20,000+ for the use of the medi-vac helicopter. All the food I will eat in 12-14 hours I’ll be carrying myself, and I will be carrying a water filter with me for when (not if) I need more water. For those of you who are not familiar with the route, the only source of safe water is at the bridge below Vernal Falls, 0.8mi into the hike. When more is needed, it must be filtered from the Merced River.

So, in conclusion of this evening’s rant, I share with you my playlist and my favorite youtube video of the hike.

Half Dome Playlist
Dare You To Move- Switchfoot
Viva la Vida- Coldplay (yes, I know the lyrics are sad, but the music is upbeat)
Alive- P.O.D.
Don’t Stop Believin’- Journey
Solsbury Hill- Peter Gabriel
Right Now- Van Halen
Beautiful Day- U2
Don’t Break This Rhythm- Peter Gabriel
Where the Streets Have No Name- U2
Red Warrior- The Last Samurai- Hans Zimmer

Love, Yvette

Happy New Year!!!!

Okay, it's not New Year's to you, but it's definitely a new year for me. There's been a shift that feels like a year in the making. Instead of mourning the time behind me (The years that felt like wasted years. The paths I took that I felt led me in the wrong directions. The milestones that I felt I should have marked, but didn't), I'm excited about the time in front of me. I'm excited about what I might learn, experience, accomplish in the next 365 days. This past year I've definitely let go of some heavy baggage, stuff that held me back from reaching my potential. I feel good, I feel lighter, I feel relieved.

Now, don't get me wrong. It hasn't been all that bad. In spite of past "shortcomings" and "failures", I do have a lot to be thankful for. And I am. It just that, usually, on my birthday I say "this is going the year that I finally get it right". Whatever "it" was supposed to be. I think my problem was that I didn't know what "it" was.

Now I'm laughing. This post has gotten too serious for the occasion. All I'm trying to say is that it's my birthday today. I'm happy and life is wonderful. It's my day to be silly, and I am. I'm wearing a crown at work, and I plan to wear it tonight at REI. Life is good.



Love, Yvette

PS- Check out my Flickr site. I uploaded a few of my pictures from San Fransisco and my first SEKI trip this year. The sets are not complete yet, but they will be.

This Post Has No Title

While I was at work today, I had this post all written in my head. It was going to be awesome. You see, tomorrow is my 35th birthday. It’s a whole new chapter in my life. So I was going to reflect on the past and somewhat on what’s in my head.

Of course, the minute I got home from work, it all left me.

I’m looking forward to turning 35. I’m excited. I feel on the precipice of a new adventure. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love, Yvette

PS- Tomorrow I'm going to keep an email open so I can jot things down as they come to me through out the day. Maybe that will help me hold on to my ideas.

Two Posts, Two Posts....

Two posts in one!

Post One: Mom

Well, mom is in the hospital again. On Monday, she fell. She landed square on her butt and hurt herself. An ambulance was called and my mom was taken to the hospital. Scans showed that she fractured her L1- one of her vertebra. Unfortunately, due to some serious overcrowding at Fresno Regional, she spent over 24 hours on a gurney in the hallway of the ER before they could get her a bed upstairs. I'm not happy about that. She presented around 7pm Monday evening (I was at work) and wasn't admitted until 11:30 pm Tuesday night.

Yesterday, mom had a procedure done to repair the fracture. They literally inject some type of cement into the bone to seal up the fracture and it worked!!! She's doing much better and has complete relief of pain. Once she is cleared by the physical therapist, she'll be free to come home. Yippie!!!

I was nervous. Still am. You see, Mom and I were going to go to Yosemite for the day this coming up week. She has never been, and it's on my 43Things list to take her. I want to before it's too late. My last two attempts were postponed because she had hurt herself. I think I've mentioned this before, she is very fragile with advanced osteoporosis and she walks with a walker. So if she falls, it's usually serious. So, once she get home and rests for a day or so, she'll be able to tell me if she will be up to going. Don't worry, I never planned to take her on a hike, I just wanted her to see the sights. So we'll see. I'm just thankful that the procedure went well or else she would have been on bed rest for months, and it would have been too late.

Part Two: Like Mother, Like Daughter.

Yesterday, I fell. I'm not as graceful as I used to be. I was walking to my car from the office and I wasn't watching where I was going. We have two doves that hang out in the car port and sit on the roofs of the cars. I was looking at one of the doves and looking around for a nest hidden somewhere, my left foot (which was already hurting) hit an uneven section of pavement- a "repaired" pothole, and I went flying. I landed on my left side, banging up my thigh, tweeking my calf just a bit, and making my foot feel even less happy.

Thankfully just minor damage. Soreness and bruise. I'm more embarassed than anything. I am a little worried about my left foot though. My arch is weak and that foot has a prounounced pronation- meaning that it rolls in big time. My foot has been hurting since I went climbing. I don't think it's broken, or that I tore something, more like just a sprain. But I do get an occasion burning sensation on my arch when I'm walking, so that's not good. Now my foot hurts just a little more. I've been icing it in the meanwhile, and I'm temped to find an ankle brace for added support: Something light that will fit in my hiking shoe. I feel I should rest up a bit, but I'm on a good roll and don't want to lose my upcoming hiking time. Only 69 more days until Half Dome!

On a sad note, a friend told me earlier that Randy Pausch passed away this morning, losing his fight with pancreatic cancer. I'm sad. Another not-so-gentle reminder that life is short and to love hard and live life to the fullest. Do what you like, like what you do (Life is Good).

Love, Yvette

Pain Is Weakness Leaving the Body

Or

Yvette booked way too much stuff into her weekend and is now paying for it.

And to make things worse, I'm staring at an 8x10 postcard of Half Dome as I'm typing this.

Friday I worked most of the work-day in Porterville at the cancer treatment center. My partner and I returned to the office early because the medical records people weren't able to pull all the charts we requested, so we finished up earlier than normal. This was cool for me since I had to work Friday night. I guess I pretty much worked all day Friday, plus the drive to Porterville and back. It's never a fun drive, nothing to look at. I just don't like driving south ;)

Believe it or not, I had Saturday-day off. I guess if you follow me on Twitter, you would believe it. I didn't have to be at work until 5:30. It was both good and bad. I usually open every Saturday, the open until 5:30 shift, so this was a real fluke. It was bad because my zesty friend Korey (hat-tip to the Hoover Jazz Junkies) was having a party that evening and I had to miss it. It was good because it gave me time to do stuff that I normally don't have time to do during the week like get an oil change and wash. I did that in the morning, then came home and watched Billy Elliot. I had wanted to go to the climbing gym and get some vertical time in, but I was -- well, quite honestly, scared-- so I was procrastinating. I eventually made it over, in spite of the fact that the whole way over I was praying for it to be busy, so I would have to come back home. Well, sometimes prayers don't get answered, and it ends up being even better.

I got there, and it wasn't busy. Damn. So I grabbed gear and headed to the wall. I decided to ask one of the guys that worked there which wall section was the easiest wall to work on. I'm pretty glad I did. His name is Chris and he's a climber dude. He spent around 15-20 minutes with me, and it was awesome. I explained to him why I was there, the whole heights and Half Dome thing, about not being able to get back down off the wall, not being able to get all the way up. He gave me some great mental pointers and we were working this whole Last Samurai-no mind approach. It was awesome. I went from climbing back down, to letting go screaming with my eyes closed back down, to letting go with my eyes closed, to letting go. Up to yesterday, I was never able to let go. I always climbed back down, which is so much harder because you're trying not to fall. I wanted to keep going higher, but I used up all my energy and eventually my arms failed me. There is a reason that most climbers are 110lbs.

After that awesome workout, both physically and mentally, I ran home showered and changed for work. Work was good, we were super busy, and I would have been able to fly right through it except that I was exhausted, my arms were spaghetti and my feet were hurting from climbing. Either it's because I was using muscles in my feet I didn't know I had, or they were just exhausted from holding my weight up on such tiny holds.

At the co-op we sell national park passes. I sold one, and I'm supposed to hole-punch the expiration date into the cards. I had absolutely no arm strength, so I had to have the customer help me. My arms hurt like my very first taiko workshop.

After work I came home and crashed. Went straight to bed and slept like a rock, no pun intended.

Sunday morning I woke up sore. I didn't have to work, so did I rest up and try to recover? No. I went to Yosemite. I wanted to get some hiking training in. Let me tell you, going for a hike on feet that already hurt, is not the brightest thing I've ever done. Driving a stick shift with sore arms isn't too bright either, but I was going, and I went.

It was warm, humid, and off-and-on sprinkling in the valley, but I didn't care. I wanted to do a small hike to check my current level of non-fitness (the word I really want to use is gauge, but I hate the way it looks when I spell it- it always looks wrong. I really think it should be spelled gage, but it looks wrong too, but only because I know it is wrong.) I started at the trailhead and made my way to the bridge that goes over the Merced River below my favorite waterfall- Vernal Falls. It was a smooth incline, paved, no steps. I forgot how steep it was. I had to stop 4 times to catch my breath and slow down my heart rate. Not a good sign. I made it to the bridge in 50 minutes. Ideal time for Half Dome is 30 minutes, if you want to do the total hike in 10 hrs. My time goal is 12hrs, not including the time spent at the top (and I'll spend some time there because I have a list of things to do at the top.)

I rested, snacked and refilled my Camelbak. Of course I took pictures, which will be posted next week. (I'm scheduled at REI every night this week except Tuesday.) I sneezed and a U.S. Marine said bless you, and I gave him a hearty thank you with my best smile :) (Don't tell my family, because we're Army, but I've always had a thing for Marines. Must be that damn uniform.)

I was very tempted to continue on upward to Vernal Falls, which was only another mile up the hill via the Mist Trail. But I didn't trust myself to have enough energy to make it to the top plus make it back all the way down. Going down is easier than going up, but it's still not easy. So I made it back down, in 20 minutes, stopping to rest my knees at flat sections. I need to pro-deal myself some trekking poles. I have my eye on a set of Black Diamonds. Along the way down, I saw a customer that I had seen the previous night at REI. We chatted briefly as he and his friends were on their way up.

Once I was back at Happy Isles, I decided to walk around a bit before taking the shuttle back to the village. I ran into an office colleague, Lesley, and we chatted for a bit. I then made my way to The Fen, which is a marsh I'd never been to before, and took pictures. While I was taking a picture, I heard the snapping of twigs behind me. I turned to look, and I saw a coyote walking by. I'm glad it didn't care for me, because he was close enough that he could have caused me some serious damage if he wanted to.

By this time I was hungry, so I shuttled into the Village for some lunch. After I ate, I walked around for a bit, bought a postcard at the Ansel Adams gallery, found a book I want to read, and then bought a pair of earrings for my mom.

I was tired from walking, my feet were killing me by now, but I had one more stop to make- Glacier Point.

The drive up wasn't complicated. I really wanted to check the handicapped routes for my mom. When I went up in April, the road was still closed. I stopped at Washburn Point, took lots of pictures. Man, you think Half Dome is huge when looking up at it from the valley floor. Looking straight across at it, it's MASSIVE. I then continued on to Glacier Point.

Now, I could have totally left this part out, because I'm embarrassed. But it's humbling, and humility will be my strength in this endeavor.

At Washburn Point, you get a direct side view of Half Dome; you don't see any part of the face. At Glacier Point, you are a little more in front of it, so you see front and side view of the rock.

I was standing there, near the amphitheatre, looking straight across at Half Dome. And it started sinking in. The reality of my situation. This was no longer theoretical. This was no longer a someday. This was no longer in the same category with when I lose weight, when I get married, when/if I get my Master's degree (still not decided).

This is real. This is happening. This is happening in 74 days (Sunday) whether I am prepared or not.

I was scared. No, you're not listening to me. I. was. scared.

I was less scared on the wall yesterday. I was scared- the kind that makes the world spin and you think you're going to throw up, then pass out.

The tears were welling up in my eyes. I had to turn around and walk away. I almost backed out on the spot and was on the verge of having my first panic attack since 1999.

The thoughts in my head: What am I doing? What did I get myself into? What have I agreed to do?

I had to talk myself down from the mental ledge in my head. It was pretty bad, and sad too, now that the crisis has passed.

I just don’t want to fail. I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and it’s not like if I don’t make it, I’ll never have another chance again. I just don’t want to fail.

Love, Yvette

My New Favorite Book

I just picked this title up at Borders. I wanted it so bad, I bought it in hardcover. I never buy hardcover. It's a new release.

I can't wait to read it. :)

Love, Yvette

The Gauntlet is Down!

A funny thing happened on the way to the gas station yesterday....

I stopped by REI to pick up a new TSA-approved lock for my luggage that is going to Michigan without me (I was one lock short). Of course as I flow through the store I say hi to all my wonderful co-workers. I say hello to Alyson, totally awesome Outreach Specialist (she goes to schools and such) and we begin to chat. Of course I'm horrible at recounting conversations verbatim, so I am totally paraphrasing.

Me: "Hi Alyson"

Alyson: "Hi Yvette"

Me: "How's it going?"

Alyson: "Good. Hey, we're doing Half Dome the first weekend in October. Kim got a campsite, it will be Kim & Terry, me & Tyler, Heather (blah blah blah didn't hear the rest)... you in?"

Me: *jumping and screaming like a little girl* "I'M IN!!!!!!!!"

I AM SO IN!!!

So now the gauntlet has been thrown down. The challenge is on. This is part of my 43 things, and to cross it off my list, there is another item I have to cross off first.

Now most of you are thinking, Half Dome, so what? I've already done it x times. I'd bet money that 98% of you could turn around and hike this thing tomorrow. I, right now, cannot. I am out of shape, overweight, and deathly afraid of heights (I can't even stand on a chair to change a lightbulb). so this is a VERY big deal for me. I have wanted to hike Half Dome since I nearly died (of out-of-shape-ness) on my first hike to the footbridge below Vernal Falls in the mid 90's. It's been over 10 years.

So what is that other item I have to cross off my list? #5 I have to climb to the top of the climbing wall at my gym. Haven't got there yet. (Want to see my complete updated list? See link in sidebar --->). I get about half way up, and then freak and come back down. I'm doing this because of the cables. I'm afraid to hike all that way, get to the base of the cables, and then chicken out and not be able to go all the way.

When I do this, I am going all the way. It's put up or shut time. So the challenge is on: I am losing 15lbs to help my knees out, for hiking. I'm riding my bike more, for cardio. And I'm getting my ass to the top of the wall, for confidence.

I am ready, the sky is not the limit.

Love, Yvette

P.S. Here is a link to the awesome youtube video of Carlos Whittaker and friends doin' the 'Dome. LINK

Yosemite Part II

Hi, I'm back to finish the story :)

Actually, I was wrong about lunch. It wasn't sloppy joe's, it was a bbq pulled-chicken sandwich served with spicy cole-slaw. It was spicy, but it was oh so good. Or maybe I was just oh-so-hungry. For dessert they served brownies, yummy brownies. Food tastes so good when you've been working hard.

After that, we were released to do as we pleased! Carlos, Jeremy and Tara went climbing. Alyson, Melissa, and I were going to go hike around Sentinel Dome, but we were invited to go up to Tenaya Lake with Belinda and her parents who were in from Florida. I'd never been up to the high country before so I jumped on this chance fast!

We left the valley and drove up Tioga Pass, stopping along the way to take pictures. It was a lovely drive. As we drove up, the ground went from a lush green to a dirty white. There was still snow on the ground! The first time we stopped above the snow line, we had to put on our jackets. It was cool up there! Not cold, but cool and breezy. Felt good :)

We drove up to Tenaya Lake, and hung out for a while, then looped back to Olmstead Point. I took as many pictures as I possibly could. Hopefully you've checked out my pictures. Yes, they suck. I need to take a photography class, and learn how to use a camera.

Back at camp, we regrouped for an end of event potluck. Just us "REE-ers" and the mates we adopted during our stay: Anna, Scott, Scott, and other-guy-I-can't-remember-his-name. Adam? No clue. Anyways, it was good eats, Belinda prepared a FEAST!

After that, it was time to tear down and return to Earth, return to real life, return to the SJV. Return to The No. Can you tell I wasn't ready to come back?

It was a very good weekend. I'm going to volunteer next year and try to stay all weekend long!

Love, Yvette

PS-If you missed the link to the pics the first time here it is again LINK

Going Offline

I'm on my way to yosemite now. I'm so excited. We're going to have a great time!!!! Wish me luck and hope the bears stay far far away from me!!!!!

Love, Yvette

Happy Anniversary to ME!!!!

I just realized that today is my 7th anniversary with the company I work for. I started out as a temp-to-hire program assistant (read: Secretary) in March of 2001. I was just kicked out of Cost Plus World Market for refusing to join the union, and I needed a job desperately. I walked into a temp agency on Monday March 12 for assessment and interview. Didn't go so well, because it was during those days of rolling blackouts (thanks, Enron) so I couldn't take the required computer tests. I returned the next day for my tests, and I kicked ass on the MS Office test. (Well, duh.) On Wednesday I was called, I had an interview on Thursday. After my interview, I returned home and started packing my bags. I was going out of town on Friday to Palm Springs with my friends Kat & Mouse. It was a big, huge, weekend party, and I was going to get my grove on. Friday morning while I was waiting to be picked up, the temp agency called and offered me the position. I accepted. My start date was that coming Monday the 19th. So I went to Palms Springs, drank lots, danced my ass off, and got back into town Monday morning around 3am. I slept for around 4 hours and then got up, got dressed and reported for work at the CHC with the Breast Cancer Treatment Fund.

I have been with the CHC ever since. Not my longest employment, but by far my most productive.

I was a temp program assistant for 2 months, and then I was offered permanent employment with benefits. So even though I've been here since March '01, my official anniversary date is May 22, 2001.

I remained a program assistant for a few months longer, then I was promoted to program benefit specialist, dealing with patient billing. Knowing advanced database concepts has really helped me in my career. About a year later BCTF morphed into a new program called Care Coordination and Navigation Services (CCAN) and I morphed into doing full time database administration. I loved it, but it was not without its heartaches. I was in a technological power struggle with a colleague, and I was hating it.

One day, in late 2002 I was approached in the breezeway of my office complex by a mysterious woman in a black leather jacket. She asked me how things were going in my program. We chatted for a bit and then she told me this: "I've heard good things about you, we'd love to have someone of your caliber on our staff". Okay, I admit it, I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker.

And, okay, she wasn't a mysterious woman. I knew who she was, she was a program director for a different program in the company. But she did have a black leather jacket.

Shortly thereafter, an internal posting went out for the Cancer Registry of Central California, for a DC/QC I (data collection/quality control specialist). I applied. I was qualified. I had computer knowledge - I do have a BS in Information Systems from the Sid Craig School of Business at Fresno State, thank you very much. I had anatomy and physiology education from being an ex-dance major and having gone to massage school. And now I did have limited knowledge about breast cancer from my time with BCTF. I love to learn, always have, always will, so I knew I could learn whatever I needed to for this position.

I have no idea how many other candidates there were, but I was offered one of two positions open. The other position went to Melissa, who became my officemate, partner in crime, Romy to my Michelle. We are both Virgos, so things work out quite well. We are VERY understanding of each other. She is mommy to my niece Brianna who was born back in December, if you remember me mentioning it on my Blossoms blog.

I started with CRCC on 1/1/03 and hit the ground running. I had computer programs to learn, and about 8 manuals to go through BEFORE I even became useful. In a nutshell I had to apprentice for two years, then sit for a national certification. I took that exam in March of 2005 and upon passing I became a CTR- a Certified Tumor Registrar. Ah, so THAT'S where that came from. Yes! (Once upon a time my email address was cyclegirlCTR, but people kept asking me if I was Mormon, so I had to change it.) Of course passing my exam brought another promotion, so that's how I came to be the DC/QC II you now know me as.

Been doing it ever since.

I have tried, unsuccessfully, to leave. I applied to different regions, hoping to get the hell out of Fresno, but I think the "Grand Tapestry" had a different plan for me. I tend to cause problems where ever I go (personally, not professionally), so many lives and other things were saved by me not going anywhere. I am full of energy, ideas, and passions, with a touch of ADD, so calm collected environments are not quite for me. I long for them, those Zen environments, but I can't survive in Zen alone. I crave chaos. And I crave peace. I desire creativity, and I desire organization. I am always bouncing around from one extreme to the other, which is why I'm always tired ;) Okay, that and having two jobs. Eventually, I hope, I will find happy medium and be able to co-exist peacefully and creatively in the space where both realms overlap.

Love, Yvette

43 Revisited

And one night (or was it day?)
I was awoken from a dream
I was dreaming of someplace like I'd never been
And I heard someone say
Someone's fallen in and they can't swim
So I leaned out and I pulled them in
And he was holding his head
And it was huge and shaped like a fish
And he slid down to the crook of the keel
And when I was sure he'd fallen asleep
I fell back to my reverie
--At the Beginning of Time by Jane Siberry

I've been meaning to get back to this list. My first edition of this list was back in 2006. You can read it HERE if you'd like. It's not required reading. I found it interesting that there were items on that list 2 years ago, that I don't care about anymore. I change. I'm still growing. I bet that 2 years from now, there will be things that drop off this new list. The items that made it on both lists I've bumped to the top, because, I guess they are core things. Things that may never change.

This new list has some new formatting, just for my personal organizing. You know how much I like cataloging ;)

Oh, and technically, I'm still missing one. :) Enjoy!

My 43...er...42 Things:

01. Donate Hair to Locks of Love X 11/17/06
02. Wear a Sari X 10/28/06
03. Learn Taiko Drumming X 12/10/06
04. Participate in a big charity/fund-raising project X 05/05/7 (Relay For Life)
the core list:
05. RIDE- Climb to Kaiser (and finish)
06. GET- My Passport
07. RIDE- A Century (a 100 mile organized bike ride)
08. HIKE- Half Dome
09. VISIT- Kyoto, Japan for the gardens and the blossoms
10. MEET- Lance Armstrong (yes, still)
11. SEE- Peter Gabriel in concert
12. LEARN- How to Play Guitar
13. LEARN- How to Make Sushi
14. VISIT- Deanna in Washington
15. MOVE- To Sacramento (In spite of everything, I still want to go)
16. RIDE- In a Bike Race
17. BE- A Bridesmaid (still hoping)
18. VISIT- The Grand Canyon
19. LEARN- Pointe (again): Take a Pointe Class
20. VISIT- Devil's Postpile
21. BUY- A Condo/Small House
the new additions:
22. SEE- The Aurora Borealis (in person)
23. WEAR- A Kimono
24. CLIMB- To Top of the Climbing Wall, AND GET BACK DOWN (I have serious heights issues)
25. SEE- Mt. Everest (in person)
26. VISIT- Pyramids at Teotichuacan
27. VISIT- Machu Pichu
28. VISIT- Egypt
29. VISIT- Death Valley (really visit, not this drive through at night shit)
30. VISIT- J-Tree
31. LOSE- Weight/Goal: 134 (not unreasonable, it's 20 over my dancing weight)
32. PAY- Off Student Loan (this is the one that feels least possible)
33. VISIT- Auschwitz (some things we should never forget)
34. LEARN- How to Tune-Up My Own Car
35. PET- A Tiger (a real one)
36. SEE- A Ghost (but just once)
37. LEARN- How to Scuba dive
38. VISIT- Take Mom to Yosemite (she's never ever been)
39. LEARN- Ballroom Dance- the Latin Dances
40. WALK- Across the Golden Gate Bridge and Back
41. LEARN- How to Do Cake Decorating.
42. VISIT- The REI Store in Seattle, WA
43. ???????????????????????????????????????????

What dropped off the list? Learning Japanese, Giving up soda, getting a tattoo, spending a weekend at a spa, learning to drive a motorcycle, going skiing, being published, writing a short story, taking a wine-tasting class, catching a fish, inspiring risk, introducing a couple, getting really good at yoga, and going to the chapel Madonna Del Ghisallo in Italy.

Does anyone else do this, or is this just my list fetish gone wild?

Love, Yvette

Websites That Have My Attention

http://www.freerice.com

http://junkycarclub.com

Hope you are all staying warm and dry! :-D

Love, Yvette

I Rode!

Wow, a day to end all days! I have a day off, I re-start blogging, AND I go for a bike ride. I should buy a lotto ticket.

A modest beginning, definitely. 8 miles with mild rollers. A more traveled cyclist would not have even noticed the length or the difficulty, but it was a very good first workout of the year for me.

Thanks to Belinda, my assistant store manager for today. Yesterday, before we opened the store, we had relay races on the sales floor. Laps of racing with rolling chairs, soft carts and bicycles. I rode the bicycle. Normally I ride with a helmet. It's the safe and sane thing to do, but yesterday I didn't. I rode fast enough inside the store that I caught wind and I felt it flowing though my hair. You cannot imagine how good that felt to me at that moment. For the rest of the day all I wanted to do was to go outside and feel the wind again. I felt like I had just awaken from a long deep sleep. I wanted to feel sun on my skin and wind on my face, feel muscles burn, and my alveoli stretch. Today, to feel all that, felt oh so good. And today is such a BEAUTIFUL day!!!

I hope your day is going as lovely as mine.

Love, Yvette

Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny

Hello. I'm back. With a new blog.

Late, but that is so me. I guess I'm just keeping it real ;)

I just wanted a new thought process, something less structured. A blog that could ebb and flow with my wants, needs, moods. There were things that I wanted to write about, think out loud about, but I didn't, because I felt it didn't fit right with the theme of Blossoms in the Sun. Of course, I know that since it was my blog I could write about whatever the hell I felt like, but, I created a theme- a purpose, and I was going to stick with it.

So, what are my intentions with this blog? My only intention is to express myself- what is inside my head, what is inside my heart, what is inside my body, what goes on in my dreams when I sleep. My hopes, dreams, fears, my restless emotions. My pain. My bliss. I have all in equal amounts.

My passion.

Something I am working on this year and hopefully from here on out is my authenticity. I will be writing on that alot, I anticipate. I've recently had an earth shattering moment. Sounds bad, but in reality it's ranks as one of the best things that ever happened to me. In relationship to the universe, what happened was small, and quite lame. To me, it turned my world upside down, and shook up my point of view. False gods, and "hot shits" came crashing down off pedestals I created. Apparently pedestalling (is that a real word?) is a VERY BAD HABIT of mine. Basically I was snapped out of very bad thinking that did not benefit me at all. Attempting authenticity, I must admit that I have no one to blame but myself. Don't get me wrong, I still stuggle with this self-destructive idea. I believed this one thought for about 5 years, maybe more. I even based decisions on this one thought and tried unsuccessfully to changes aspects of myself for another. All because of this one lame thought. I still struggle, because even though my head has clarity now, my heart ever so slightly still yearns for the (false) sense of perfection that one thought brought. Yes, I fully admit, I am a hopeless romantic on all levels.

So that is me, and where I am at. Well, part of me. In discussion with a work colleague of mine, I discovered that I don't fully reveal myself to everyone I know. I guess to a certain degree, we all do that, and we all have our reasons. I, for example, have a colorful past. Only 50% of my friends know of it. Not really a big deal. What I find more troubling with myself is that two years ago when I had to re-register to vote because I moved, I changed political parties. This is the first I am speaking of it, and I'm sure there are going to be friends who upon reading this will sigh, shake their heads, and generally "not approve". It troubles me that even as I am typing this, I am worrying about it.

Old thinking: I feared revealing how I really felt, what I really thought, because I feared being rejected for it. New thinking: Not going to worry about it anymore. I think part of the fear grew out of the original self-destructive idea, snowballing to massive proportions.

So that, is going to be that, for now. It's a day off, it's partly sunny, I want to ride my bicycle today. So, for those of you who are still here:

Welcome :D

Love, Yvette