Hello. I'm back. With a new blog.
Late, but that is so me. I guess I'm just keeping it real ;)
I just wanted a new thought process, something less structured. A blog that could ebb and flow with my wants, needs, moods. There were things that I wanted to write about, think out loud about, but I didn't, because I felt it didn't fit right with the theme of Blossoms in the Sun. Of course, I know that since it was my blog I could write about whatever the hell I felt like, but, I created a theme- a purpose, and I was going to stick with it.
So, what are my intentions with this blog? My only intention is to express myself- what is inside my head, what is inside my heart, what is inside my body, what goes on in my dreams when I sleep. My hopes, dreams, fears, my restless emotions. My pain. My bliss. I have all in equal amounts.
Something I am working on this year and hopefully from here on out is my authenticity. I will be writing on that alot, I anticipate. I've recently had an earth shattering moment. Sounds bad, but in reality it's ranks as one of the best things that ever happened to me. In relationship to the universe, what happened was small, and quite lame. To me, it turned my world upside down, and shook up my point of view. False gods, and "hot shits" came crashing down off pedestals I created. Apparently pedestalling (is that a real word?) is a VERY BAD HABIT of mine. Basically I was snapped out of very bad thinking that did not benefit me at all. Attempting authenticity, I must admit that I have no one to blame but myself. Don't get me wrong, I still stuggle with this self-destructive idea. I believed this one thought for about 5 years, maybe more. I even based decisions on this one thought and tried unsuccessfully to changes aspects of myself for another. All because of this one lame thought. I still struggle, because even though my head has clarity now, my heart ever so slightly still yearns for the (false) sense of perfection that one thought brought. Yes, I fully admit, I am a hopeless romantic on all levels.
So that is me, and where I am at. Well, part of me. In discussion with a work colleague of mine, I discovered that I don't fully reveal myself to everyone I know. I guess to a certain degree, we all do that, and we all have our reasons. I, for example, have a colorful past. Only 50% of my friends know of it. Not really a big deal. What I find more troubling with myself is that two years ago when I had to re-register to vote because I moved, I changed political parties. This is the first I am speaking of it, and I'm sure there are going to be friends who upon reading this will sigh, shake their heads, and generally "not approve". It troubles me that even as I am typing this, I am worrying about it.
Old thinking: I feared revealing how I really felt, what I really thought, because I feared being rejected for it. New thinking: Not going to worry about it anymore. I think part of the fear grew out of the original self-destructive idea, snowballing to massive proportions.
So that, is going to be that, for now. It's a day off, it's partly sunny, I want to ride my bicycle today. So, for those of you who are still here: