The Quick and Dirty

The main reason I am giving you the quick and dirty update is because I'm going out of town next week for work and I will be gone all week. Good thing cats are easier to leave with a sitter than kids!!!

Work has been busy. Every October is a major reporting deadline. Hospitals report to the central registry (me), we report to the state registry, the state reports to the feds in Washington D.C.- okay, technically Virginia. So, since Half Dome I've been working with my head down trying to get all my cases in before what is known as a "call for data". It's the first step in all studies and trials. That is over and now we start a whole new cycle of investigation for the new reporting year.

Halloween was a blast. My costume this year was Ugly Betty. I sooooo rocked the costume. For those of you that don't know, my family takes Halloween very seriously. We plan our costumes months in advance. This is how serious we are. I am already thinking of what I want to be next year. I have to think of several possibilities because I won't know exactly what my situation will be next year. I might be single, I might have a boyfriend, I won't know until then. We have a costume contest with prizes, and I have found that partner costumes fair better than an individual costume. I actually won a prize this year! I won third place. Second place was Granny and Jed from the Beverly Hillbillies, and first place was Mr & Mrs Homie the clown. Their schtick was hilarious. This year was a pretty good year for me because I ended up wearing my costume for three parties. I've never gone that many before. It would have been one more, but my shift at REI was cut.

Speaking of REI, business has been slow, so I have had zero hours. I'm not hurting for money, but I am a little bummed that I'm not earning any Christmas money for gifts just yet. I'm certain once we get into the Christmas season my hours will pick up. I miss my co-workers. I'm pretty much there to hang out with all my friends than to actually earn some money. One of my co-workers has left to take a position at our Encinitas store. I will miss her, but I'm excited about the potential future road trips. Of course this is a huge leap of faith on my part. My car does not like to drive south. It only knows how to drive north, but I have friends down in LA I miss and want to see them soon. Especially before Jenny's wedding date!

Back to Half Dome. It's going to be a reoccuring theme in this blog. I should just rename my blog The Blossom and the Half Dome :) I have a tentative date set for August 2009, but it will all really come down to when campsites are available. I want definite summer, so storms won't be as much of an issue, and later so the water level is low enough that the Mist Trail won't be so Misty and therefore slippery. I will keep you posted as that develops.

I thought I was going to have to cancel my gym membership but it turned out that I didn't have to. I'm glad because I'm going to train right this time, and I really do still want to make it to the top of the climbing wall. I don't know why, but I just do. I may never make it out to do trad climbing out in nature, but at least I want to have some climbing skills.

This kind of brings me to a new topic so to speak I'm contemplating bringing to my blog. Key word CONTEMPLATING. This thought absolutely terrifies me. Two of my favorite blogs are Fat Cyclist and Ragamuffin Soul. Both of these blogs have tackled the weight issue. The original goal of Fat Cyclist was to chronical Elden's (aka Fatty) effort from going from a fat cyclist to a thin one. He called this tool humiliation. Carlos at Ragamuffin Soul recently renamed his weight loss topic Ragamuffintop Challenge. Carlos called this tool public accountability. Sounds less painful but just as vulnerable.

I don't know, it's a terrifying prospect. It scares me on several levels. One, that I have to admit to all the weight I gained over the last ten years. Two, what if it's not enough and I'm just not disciplined enough to do this. I've already failed at Weight Watchers twice. But... there is so much I miss: *insert heavy sigh here* I miss dancing, terribly. Oh you cannot imagine how much I miss it. I don't need to quit my jobs and move to New York and audition for a company. If I was physically able to take a class once a week, be it ballet or modern, it would feel so wonderful to move like that again. To express, to emote, like that. Words- and grammar- don't come easily to me. I can't find words to express what are whole thoughts in my head, which is why I talk so flipping much. I'm better with body language which is why my emotions are so transparent. Yes, I'm rambling.

Okay, back on subject. Another thing I can't help thinking about is the fact that I wanted to lose twenty pounds for Half Dome and didn't. I keep thinking that had I been disciplined enough to lose the weight, it would have made me fast enough to make it to the summit. It's an agonizing what-if. I love dancing and I love hiking and I love facing my fear at the climbing wall. I hate that my body is not able to do what my spirit wants to do. On a side note it also really sucks that I don't fit into any of the clothes I sell at REI. Our largest sizes in the store are a 14-16. Extended sizes are available online for the REI brand clothes but it's not on all items. But I want to wear the other brands too.

Well that's pretty much what's going on with me. Oh, wait. I forgot something. After Half Dome I went to the California Academy of Sciences. It’s a really cool place if you’ve never heard of it before. It’s a natural history museum, an aquarium, a planetarium, and now they’ve added a rainforest exhibit. Back in September CAS reopened after having a new building built. It’s green and very recycled, and I love it. I have pictures, but I haven’t been able to get around to formatting them. Well, I’m going back tomorrow, because I really like the place, and I’m taking my niece Sarah with me. I’m excited because I love sharing educational stuff with “my kids” even though it goes in one ear and out the other-- Proof they are my sister’s kids and not my own.

Here’s a Halloween picture of me as Ugly Betty:

Love, Yvette

Hi! I'm Back!!!

Starting on a tanget. Bones isn't on tonight, so I'm watching Pushing Daisies. It's cute!

Man oh man! It has been a million years since Half Dome, it feels. It has been a challenge to return to my life. Truthfully, it has been a challenge to return to my life. I came back a mess, somewhat in pieces, because I didn't make it to the top. Fortunately, I came back in big pieces, not shattered, so I know I can be put back together again.

I know life is full of color; but sometimes I get stuck in black and white thinking. Half Dome was one of those moments. Do or do not- there is no try. I did not go up to Yosemite to try hiking Half Dome. I went up there to do it. Failure was not an option on the table. Yes, there was fear, but it was fear of failure more than anything else to be afraid of. More than my fear of heights, spiders, and blue M&Ms. I would have eaten a whole bag of blue M&Ms and stepped on a spider (I can't kill spiders, I have to be rescued) if would have avoided me my epic fail. The fact that the last 400 feet (the cables) are the scariest and most dangerous part of the hike goes to show that I was willing to fight through my fear of heights to get'er done.

There's more to be said, but Criminal Minds is coming on and tonight's episode has Wil Wheaton in it.

But don't worry, I'm okay. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. I'm already working on a plan, for Half Dome 2: The Rematch! :)

Love, Yvette

PS- My Yosemite pictures are up. They suck, but they are there. Take a peak if you haven't already. Hit my Flickr link!

Seven Days and Counting....

In only seven days, this will be accomplished. I'm starting to get really excited. So excited that my pinky fingers are tingly. I can't explain it, when I get excited and nervous my pinkies tingle, and when I get really upset my thumbs get tingly. Well today it's all about the pinkies!

Around noon today, I was looking at the clock on the wall of my office. I was thinking to myself, "In a week, at this time, I'll be at the top of Half Dome." It's an exhilarating idea. I'm excited about finally going for it. Finally. Over ten years in the making. Not quite 15 years, but definitely over 10.

I've been reading though a book these last few days- and no, not the Half Dome book. This book is one from the Dan Millman series. There was a phrase in the book that strikes as very relevant as I'm embarking on this journey and its deluge of emotion. It goes like this: "The only time you have a chance to show courage, is when you're afraid." Makes sense, because it reminds me of a similar quote that I cannot remember it exactly. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the acting in spite of it". I guess if you're not afraid, it's not courage.

Well, I'll definitely have the opportunity to show courage. :)

Okay, bed time. I'm tired.

Love, Yvette

Nine Days and Counting....

Okay, I had a moment of weakness today. I temporarily crawled back out on the ledge durning my lunch.

I bought a book about Half Dome back in June after I found out that I would be doing the hike. It's a really good book and I recommend it for any first time ascenders. (free plug here) The book is called One Best Hike by Rick Deutsch. It goes over preparation and what to expect on the hike. I read the sections on history and preparation, but I put the book down before reading the other sections. Being so close to game day, I decided that it would be prudent to finish the rest of the book.

Today while my lunch buddies had an always awesome lunch at Casa Corona, I went to Fajita Fiesta. I've come to really love their roasted chicken plate from their lunch menu. I highly recommend it. If you like garlic, there is a garlic chicken version. Exquisito! It's diced garlic, so the chunks are big enough for me to pick them off and eat them straight. :) I love garlic. Anyways, I brought OBH with me to read while I consumed my garlic with chicken.

I read through all the sections: Trailhead to bridge- Mist Trail- Vernal Fall- Silver Apron Bridge- Nevada Fall- Little Yosemite Valley- The Split- Little Spring. The next section is where I got myself into trouble. View of Half Dome and Sub Dome. Oh, I forgot to mention that the book has pictures. Well I came across a picture that looks like this. I just linked to the picture because it didn't feel right to copy and paste it since it's not my own picture. The vertigo commenced surreptitiously, then exploded into full on "Ledge Mode". You guys get that I'm afraid of heights, right? Well, what got me worried was the thought that if a picture of Sub Dome made my head spin, what would actually being in front of Sub Dome do to me? Not a pleasant thought at all :(

Explaining Sub Dome: Sub Dome is the right shoulder of Half Dome. The top of Sub Dome is the base of the cables. What looks like tiny bushes on Sub Dome are actually full sized trees and there is a series of narrow switchbacks going up to the top. According to the book, over 800 steps, oh, and no railing. Yeeeaaaah.

I worried through the rest of my lunch and for about an hour afterwards, then I was able to calm myself down. I'll get through it, I will. Ha, with all this drama I'm putting in my head, someone might think that the hike isn't worth it. I believe it is. Totally.

Love, Yvette

PS- If you're at all considering hiking Half Dome, I highly recommend Rick's book. I'm pretty sure you can find it here. ;)

11 days and counting….

CAVEAT: If you have no interest in hearing about Half Dome you should avoid my blog at all cost until around October 8th. It’s pretty much all I’m going to be talking about from here until the trip is over and sufficiently documented.

For the record, I am no longer on the ledge. Thank you Steve, and all my other friends for your kind and encouraging words.

Of course, once again, I am at a loss for words. I think that being at home gives me writer’s block or something.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Half Dome (duh) and this whole thing is turning comic to me. I’ve wanted to hike this piece of rock for over ten years. What has always held me back was the fact that I was out of shape and over weight. I always told myself that I was going to get serious about getting back down to (at least close to) my dancing weight. I was going to train serious and get some hiking skills.

It never happened.

Now, in eleven days, I am going to attempt this thing. I will at least go further than I have ever attempted to go before, and I am in the absolute worst shape of my life! I am embarrassed to admit I weigh the most I have ever weighed ever. Working two jobs, I am the least active I have ever been. And here I am, going to do what I feel is the physically hardest thing I have ever done so far in my life. This is going to be harder than my previous metric centuries (62 mile bike rides)

Of course now I have this crazy paradox going on in my head. I want to only think positive, think success. I visualize myself on top of that rock, crying tears of happiness (you know me, big crybaby), dancing on top of my world (for now), singing Solsbury Hill. At the same time, I want to assure myself that if I don’t make it all the way, it’s not the end of the world. Yet, I feel that telling myself that, I’m sabotaging myself and setting myself up for failure. So, having said that, I CAN do this, I WILL make it to the top (and back down).

In my moments of weakness, I am scared. I am going to go semi-nerd on you for a second. I cannot accurately describe the scene because I am not a Ringer, but if you’ve seen Return of the King, you should be able to piece it together and get what I am trying to say. It’s the scene where Theodin and the army come to the aid of the city of Gondor. The army comes over the ridge and looks down on the freaking huge Orc army laying waste to the city. The emotion I am talking about is the look you see on Eowyn’s and Merry’s faces. The look that clearly says, “Dear God in Heaven what the heck did I get myself into?” The look that says I want to turn and run away, and run away fast, but all the exits have been removed. After that look, Eowyn puts her arm around Merry and tells him, “Courage Merry, courage for our friends.” To me that statement says it all. It says, “we’re scared, but we’re going in anyways”. That’s exactly how I feel about this. I am scared, but I am going in anyways.

Yes, I know I am being melodramatic. That’s what I do. But you also know that you cannot roll your eyes at me and call me a drama queen because that will piss me off and I’ll go all Raiders on you and burn down your house. So just put your arm around me and say, “There there now, everything will be alright.”

I’ve created a special Half Dome playlist to give me inspiration as I am mentally preparing myself. It is music to inspire me to keep moving on my hike when I feel like I don’t have the energy to continue. I’ve even made a playlist I titled Panic Button, for if I should hit that brick wall. Unlike really hard bike rides, there are no rest stops with helpful volunteers willing to refill your water bottles, and DEFINITELY no broom wagon to carry you back to the start when your body can’t go anymore. Well, there is someone who can come get you, but later you’ll get a bill in the mail for $20,000+ for the use of the medi-vac helicopter. All the food I will eat in 12-14 hours I’ll be carrying myself, and I will be carrying a water filter with me for when (not if) I need more water. For those of you who are not familiar with the route, the only source of safe water is at the bridge below Vernal Falls, 0.8mi into the hike. When more is needed, it must be filtered from the Merced River.

So, in conclusion of this evening’s rant, I share with you my playlist and my favorite youtube video of the hike.

Half Dome Playlist
Dare You To Move- Switchfoot
Viva la Vida- Coldplay (yes, I know the lyrics are sad, but the music is upbeat)
Alive- P.O.D.
Don’t Stop Believin’- Journey
Solsbury Hill- Peter Gabriel
Right Now- Van Halen
Beautiful Day- U2
Don’t Break This Rhythm- Peter Gabriel
Where the Streets Have No Name- U2
Red Warrior- The Last Samurai- Hans Zimmer

Love, Yvette

Someone Please Talk Me Down Off the Ledge

17 days until Half Dome

I am not ready.

Tomorrow I am hiking up to Nevada Falls. Not for a training hike, but to see how bad it's going to be for me.

I'm scared.

I'm scared and I'm upset with myself for not being ready.

I keep telling myself that it's about the journey, not the destination.
(but I want the destination)

Maybe I'll feel different on Thursday.

I just hope I bring enough water. I should start drowning my kidneys now.

Love, Yvette

Happy New Year!!!!

Okay, it's not New Year's to you, but it's definitely a new year for me. There's been a shift that feels like a year in the making. Instead of mourning the time behind me (The years that felt like wasted years. The paths I took that I felt led me in the wrong directions. The milestones that I felt I should have marked, but didn't), I'm excited about the time in front of me. I'm excited about what I might learn, experience, accomplish in the next 365 days. This past year I've definitely let go of some heavy baggage, stuff that held me back from reaching my potential. I feel good, I feel lighter, I feel relieved.

Now, don't get me wrong. It hasn't been all that bad. In spite of past "shortcomings" and "failures", I do have a lot to be thankful for. And I am. It just that, usually, on my birthday I say "this is going the year that I finally get it right". Whatever "it" was supposed to be. I think my problem was that I didn't know what "it" was.

Now I'm laughing. This post has gotten too serious for the occasion. All I'm trying to say is that it's my birthday today. I'm happy and life is wonderful. It's my day to be silly, and I am. I'm wearing a crown at work, and I plan to wear it tonight at REI. Life is good.



Love, Yvette

PS- Check out my Flickr site. I uploaded a few of my pictures from San Fransisco and my first SEKI trip this year. The sets are not complete yet, but they will be.

My Apologies....

I emailed a blog post on Friday, and of course I just assumed that it went through. Well, it didn't. So here is a "re-print":

I'm Going Slightly Mad (Friday, 08/22/08)

One thousand and one yellow daffodils are dancing in front of me. It finally happened!

Ok, not really, but I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm taking a week long blog vacation, thru Saturday August 30.

Why? Because this week I don't trust anything that is going to come out of my mouth. I'm thinking crazy thoughts that I don't know if I can trust them. Crazy thoughts like quitting my day job and going back to school. I just found out last night that someone I know was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's a little too much to think about right now. Half Dome is in 41 days, I'm not ready and I'm afraid I will let that stop me. My bike is gathering dust again, and I can't decide if I care or not. I think I want to pursue taiko as a serious hobby. Wild stuff like that.

It's probably just stress. I have reporting deadlines quickly approaching, and back to back out of town trips.

Grrrrr. I want to go hiking. I need some soothing green trees and ferns and the smell of pine. And some really big mountains thrown in for good measure. I need a mental health day up in Yosemite Valley.

Love, Yvette

Personal Wow

This isn't really a post, per se. Just something I wanted to write down so I don't forget it. Have you ever been thinking of someone and then you run into them? It happened to me today.

For the last 3 Sundays, I have not been scheduled to work. Pretty nice if I do say so myself. I've been using the time to recover from training and amazingly keep hurting myself. Sucks, but in a way, I think it's kind of funny. I'm just weird like that. Also been doing laundry, that one task that never really gets complete for me. Anyways, since I didn't have to work today, I didn't set my alarm. I slept in today, I slept until 6:30!!!!

As I was lying in bed, I thought about what I was going to do today. I decided that I was going to go to mass today. As simple as that, "I think I'll go to mass today." I pretty much stopped going last year when I got the job at REI. Oh yeah, I celebrated my one year anniversary with REI on August 3rd. I can't believe it's been a whole year!!! Anyways back to my story. So I woke up, got dressed and left. I didn't even tell anyone where I was going, I think everyone just assumed I was going to work.

So I drive to my church and park in the parking lot across from the church. I'm walking across the street and I notice a woman getting out of a lime green new-style VW bug. First I notice the bug, then I notice the curly blond hair. Wow.... she.... looks.... just.... like............

Ruth.

Ahhhh....... Ruth Ruth Ruth Ruth Ruth Ruth Ruth.

Who is Ruth? Ruth is a professor of Modern Dance at Fresno State. She was my mentor, and she meant so much to me during my days I was a dancer. And I will freely admit that I was a lousy dancer. Not simply in terms of technique-- I wasn't bad, but I wasn't professional-grade either. But more speaking in my focus and my discipline. Now that I'm older and wiser, I can honestly admit that back then I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted. Hey, it's life, we grow. I wouldn't show up to class for days, but I wouldn't out right quit. Eventually I did quit, I changed my major, but I still took class with her. She knew I struggled in my head. She used to tell me "If you can get to the studio, you can thrive. Dance is the healing." She introduced me to the spiral, which is a personal symbol for me, even still. If you used to read my Blossoms blog, it was Ruth who introduced me to Taiko music.

I loved her, heck I still do. She was like a mom to me when I was estranged from my real mom. I wish I had listened to Ruth more, and talked to her more. I haven't danced in over a decade, but there hasn't been a week that went by since that I haven't thought of her at least once.

Needless to say, it was really good to see her. I gave her a big big hug and we chatted on the way to the church. We sat in different areas, because I sit in my "family pew" and we continued talking after mass. It was really REALLY good to see her.

That's all.

Love, Yvette

Anemia Strikes Back!

But it was my own fault. When I went to San Francisco, I didn't take my iron pills with me. So I totally depleted my iron levels being without my vitamins for 3 days.

If you used to read my Blossoms blog you've read my tales of woe when suffering from anemia. It's the same ole sh...tuff, different blog ;) I'm tired. Do you hear me? I'M TIRED!!!!! I'm ready for bed by nine, and getting up at six is near impossible! Coffee and Red Bulls are not helping.

If you are not familiar with my Blossoms blog, the short story is this: My family has retarded blood. In my family, you either are severely anemic, or you have lupus. Lupus is not cool. Lupus can kill you. My mom and aunts and a few cousins have Lupus. I have anemia. I've been anemic since I was 16. I take two iron pills a day along with a regular multi-vitamin that has iron in it. That much iron you think I'd be dying of hemochromatosis, but nope, still anemic enough that the Blood Center won't take my blood. I've given up. Last time I gave blood, I turned blue. Blue doesn't look good on me.

In spite of it all, the trip to San Francisco was TOTALLY worth it. I've never had so much fun in the city in my life. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge, went to Lush, we went to Chinatown and I bought myself a tourist-grade jade necklace ($15) and a mah jongg set. I found the San Francisco Taiko Dojo store in J-town. IKEA!!!! I finally went to Ikea!!!!! Wow!!!

I already miss the view from the hostel, the sense of community, the cool bay air, the fog, all the cyclists, the kick-butt bus system (I drove hardly at all). Of course it has to be over one hundred degrees here in Fresno when I return.

The last time I was in the city (January?) I felt aggitated. I thought maybe the city had finally lost it's hold on me. Being in the city reminded me of what I like about it. Even when I was out being a tourist. I'm not sure if I would still want to live here, but I sure still like visiting :)

Yeah, this one was one big ramble. I'm tired and I feel like I've taken benadryl. Must...sleep.

Love, Yvette

Two Posts, Two Posts....

Two posts in one!

Post One: Mom

Well, mom is in the hospital again. On Monday, she fell. She landed square on her butt and hurt herself. An ambulance was called and my mom was taken to the hospital. Scans showed that she fractured her L1- one of her vertebra. Unfortunately, due to some serious overcrowding at Fresno Regional, she spent over 24 hours on a gurney in the hallway of the ER before they could get her a bed upstairs. I'm not happy about that. She presented around 7pm Monday evening (I was at work) and wasn't admitted until 11:30 pm Tuesday night.

Yesterday, mom had a procedure done to repair the fracture. They literally inject some type of cement into the bone to seal up the fracture and it worked!!! She's doing much better and has complete relief of pain. Once she is cleared by the physical therapist, she'll be free to come home. Yippie!!!

I was nervous. Still am. You see, Mom and I were going to go to Yosemite for the day this coming up week. She has never been, and it's on my 43Things list to take her. I want to before it's too late. My last two attempts were postponed because she had hurt herself. I think I've mentioned this before, she is very fragile with advanced osteoporosis and she walks with a walker. So if she falls, it's usually serious. So, once she get home and rests for a day or so, she'll be able to tell me if she will be up to going. Don't worry, I never planned to take her on a hike, I just wanted her to see the sights. So we'll see. I'm just thankful that the procedure went well or else she would have been on bed rest for months, and it would have been too late.

Part Two: Like Mother, Like Daughter.

Yesterday, I fell. I'm not as graceful as I used to be. I was walking to my car from the office and I wasn't watching where I was going. We have two doves that hang out in the car port and sit on the roofs of the cars. I was looking at one of the doves and looking around for a nest hidden somewhere, my left foot (which was already hurting) hit an uneven section of pavement- a "repaired" pothole, and I went flying. I landed on my left side, banging up my thigh, tweeking my calf just a bit, and making my foot feel even less happy.

Thankfully just minor damage. Soreness and bruise. I'm more embarassed than anything. I am a little worried about my left foot though. My arch is weak and that foot has a prounounced pronation- meaning that it rolls in big time. My foot has been hurting since I went climbing. I don't think it's broken, or that I tore something, more like just a sprain. But I do get an occasion burning sensation on my arch when I'm walking, so that's not good. Now my foot hurts just a little more. I've been icing it in the meanwhile, and I'm temped to find an ankle brace for added support: Something light that will fit in my hiking shoe. I feel I should rest up a bit, but I'm on a good roll and don't want to lose my upcoming hiking time. Only 69 more days until Half Dome!

On a sad note, a friend told me earlier that Randy Pausch passed away this morning, losing his fight with pancreatic cancer. I'm sad. Another not-so-gentle reminder that life is short and to love hard and live life to the fullest. Do what you like, like what you do (Life is Good).

Love, Yvette

Pain Is Weakness Leaving the Body

Or

Yvette booked way too much stuff into her weekend and is now paying for it.

And to make things worse, I'm staring at an 8x10 postcard of Half Dome as I'm typing this.

Friday I worked most of the work-day in Porterville at the cancer treatment center. My partner and I returned to the office early because the medical records people weren't able to pull all the charts we requested, so we finished up earlier than normal. This was cool for me since I had to work Friday night. I guess I pretty much worked all day Friday, plus the drive to Porterville and back. It's never a fun drive, nothing to look at. I just don't like driving south ;)

Believe it or not, I had Saturday-day off. I guess if you follow me on Twitter, you would believe it. I didn't have to be at work until 5:30. It was both good and bad. I usually open every Saturday, the open until 5:30 shift, so this was a real fluke. It was bad because my zesty friend Korey (hat-tip to the Hoover Jazz Junkies) was having a party that evening and I had to miss it. It was good because it gave me time to do stuff that I normally don't have time to do during the week like get an oil change and wash. I did that in the morning, then came home and watched Billy Elliot. I had wanted to go to the climbing gym and get some vertical time in, but I was -- well, quite honestly, scared-- so I was procrastinating. I eventually made it over, in spite of the fact that the whole way over I was praying for it to be busy, so I would have to come back home. Well, sometimes prayers don't get answered, and it ends up being even better.

I got there, and it wasn't busy. Damn. So I grabbed gear and headed to the wall. I decided to ask one of the guys that worked there which wall section was the easiest wall to work on. I'm pretty glad I did. His name is Chris and he's a climber dude. He spent around 15-20 minutes with me, and it was awesome. I explained to him why I was there, the whole heights and Half Dome thing, about not being able to get back down off the wall, not being able to get all the way up. He gave me some great mental pointers and we were working this whole Last Samurai-no mind approach. It was awesome. I went from climbing back down, to letting go screaming with my eyes closed back down, to letting go with my eyes closed, to letting go. Up to yesterday, I was never able to let go. I always climbed back down, which is so much harder because you're trying not to fall. I wanted to keep going higher, but I used up all my energy and eventually my arms failed me. There is a reason that most climbers are 110lbs.

After that awesome workout, both physically and mentally, I ran home showered and changed for work. Work was good, we were super busy, and I would have been able to fly right through it except that I was exhausted, my arms were spaghetti and my feet were hurting from climbing. Either it's because I was using muscles in my feet I didn't know I had, or they were just exhausted from holding my weight up on such tiny holds.

At the co-op we sell national park passes. I sold one, and I'm supposed to hole-punch the expiration date into the cards. I had absolutely no arm strength, so I had to have the customer help me. My arms hurt like my very first taiko workshop.

After work I came home and crashed. Went straight to bed and slept like a rock, no pun intended.

Sunday morning I woke up sore. I didn't have to work, so did I rest up and try to recover? No. I went to Yosemite. I wanted to get some hiking training in. Let me tell you, going for a hike on feet that already hurt, is not the brightest thing I've ever done. Driving a stick shift with sore arms isn't too bright either, but I was going, and I went.

It was warm, humid, and off-and-on sprinkling in the valley, but I didn't care. I wanted to do a small hike to check my current level of non-fitness (the word I really want to use is gauge, but I hate the way it looks when I spell it- it always looks wrong. I really think it should be spelled gage, but it looks wrong too, but only because I know it is wrong.) I started at the trailhead and made my way to the bridge that goes over the Merced River below my favorite waterfall- Vernal Falls. It was a smooth incline, paved, no steps. I forgot how steep it was. I had to stop 4 times to catch my breath and slow down my heart rate. Not a good sign. I made it to the bridge in 50 minutes. Ideal time for Half Dome is 30 minutes, if you want to do the total hike in 10 hrs. My time goal is 12hrs, not including the time spent at the top (and I'll spend some time there because I have a list of things to do at the top.)

I rested, snacked and refilled my Camelbak. Of course I took pictures, which will be posted next week. (I'm scheduled at REI every night this week except Tuesday.) I sneezed and a U.S. Marine said bless you, and I gave him a hearty thank you with my best smile :) (Don't tell my family, because we're Army, but I've always had a thing for Marines. Must be that damn uniform.)

I was very tempted to continue on upward to Vernal Falls, which was only another mile up the hill via the Mist Trail. But I didn't trust myself to have enough energy to make it to the top plus make it back all the way down. Going down is easier than going up, but it's still not easy. So I made it back down, in 20 minutes, stopping to rest my knees at flat sections. I need to pro-deal myself some trekking poles. I have my eye on a set of Black Diamonds. Along the way down, I saw a customer that I had seen the previous night at REI. We chatted briefly as he and his friends were on their way up.

Once I was back at Happy Isles, I decided to walk around a bit before taking the shuttle back to the village. I ran into an office colleague, Lesley, and we chatted for a bit. I then made my way to The Fen, which is a marsh I'd never been to before, and took pictures. While I was taking a picture, I heard the snapping of twigs behind me. I turned to look, and I saw a coyote walking by. I'm glad it didn't care for me, because he was close enough that he could have caused me some serious damage if he wanted to.

By this time I was hungry, so I shuttled into the Village for some lunch. After I ate, I walked around for a bit, bought a postcard at the Ansel Adams gallery, found a book I want to read, and then bought a pair of earrings for my mom.

I was tired from walking, my feet were killing me by now, but I had one more stop to make- Glacier Point.

The drive up wasn't complicated. I really wanted to check the handicapped routes for my mom. When I went up in April, the road was still closed. I stopped at Washburn Point, took lots of pictures. Man, you think Half Dome is huge when looking up at it from the valley floor. Looking straight across at it, it's MASSIVE. I then continued on to Glacier Point.

Now, I could have totally left this part out, because I'm embarrassed. But it's humbling, and humility will be my strength in this endeavor.

At Washburn Point, you get a direct side view of Half Dome; you don't see any part of the face. At Glacier Point, you are a little more in front of it, so you see front and side view of the rock.

I was standing there, near the amphitheatre, looking straight across at Half Dome. And it started sinking in. The reality of my situation. This was no longer theoretical. This was no longer a someday. This was no longer in the same category with when I lose weight, when I get married, when/if I get my Master's degree (still not decided).

This is real. This is happening. This is happening in 74 days (Sunday) whether I am prepared or not.

I was scared. No, you're not listening to me. I. was. scared.

I was less scared on the wall yesterday. I was scared- the kind that makes the world spin and you think you're going to throw up, then pass out.

The tears were welling up in my eyes. I had to turn around and walk away. I almost backed out on the spot and was on the verge of having my first panic attack since 1999.

The thoughts in my head: What am I doing? What did I get myself into? What have I agreed to do?

I had to talk myself down from the mental ledge in my head. It was pretty bad, and sad too, now that the crisis has passed.

I just don’t want to fail. I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and it’s not like if I don’t make it, I’ll never have another chance again. I just don’t want to fail.

Love, Yvette

I Was Bad....

Really bad.

Today is Tuesday, and Tuesday means family night. Tonight, I ditched. I told my family that I was invited to a lecture.

That was a lie.

Every Tuesday, REI has free clinics open to the public. Pretty much on any REI-related (activity) topic. Tonight a speaker from Yosemite Mountaineering School was giving a slideshow and discussion on big wall climbing: El Capitan and Half Dome. Oh, and it's the 50th anniversary of the first ascent too, way cool.

Since our grand opening back in September, I had been to exactly ZERO clinics. There were a few I wanted to attend, but didn't because of family night.

But I couldn't miss this one. I just couldn't. So I didn't.

I'm bad.

Love, Yvette

Doing Some Other Writing

Hi peeps

I've been busy writing, but not on this blog. Over the weekend I got a text message from Wil Wheaton and he said to make time for your friends. So I decided to start writing my friends. Just little notes to say hi, I haven't forgotten about you. Because, you know, I'm such a bad friend that I go long periods of time without contact. It doesn't help that none of my long-time friends live in Fresno anymore. The closest is my Steveo and his family. They live in Madera, but he works at Camp Roberts (Roberts?) so he is a very busy man.

Now, if you're my friend, and you haven't received an email from me. You just haven't yet. I had to work this weekend, so I wasn't able to do any writing yesterday. Today I finished a long and deserved letter to my dear Deanna. I owe her so much I need to just hop my ass on a plane and go visit her, but I can't do shit until my car issues are resolved (YES MY CAR IS STILL IN THE SHOP- WTF!!!!!!) So don't give up. I'm not giving up. And I'll return to my regular blogging soon- I'm not scheduled to be out of the office this month.

Oh, and if you're wondering about me receiving text messages from Wil Wheaton. It's true. But it's lamer than what you might imagine. I follow him on Twitter.... :)

Love, Yvette

Happy Anniversary to ME!!!!

I just realized that today is my 7th anniversary with the company I work for. I started out as a temp-to-hire program assistant (read: Secretary) in March of 2001. I was just kicked out of Cost Plus World Market for refusing to join the union, and I needed a job desperately. I walked into a temp agency on Monday March 12 for assessment and interview. Didn't go so well, because it was during those days of rolling blackouts (thanks, Enron) so I couldn't take the required computer tests. I returned the next day for my tests, and I kicked ass on the MS Office test. (Well, duh.) On Wednesday I was called, I had an interview on Thursday. After my interview, I returned home and started packing my bags. I was going out of town on Friday to Palm Springs with my friends Kat & Mouse. It was a big, huge, weekend party, and I was going to get my grove on. Friday morning while I was waiting to be picked up, the temp agency called and offered me the position. I accepted. My start date was that coming Monday the 19th. So I went to Palms Springs, drank lots, danced my ass off, and got back into town Monday morning around 3am. I slept for around 4 hours and then got up, got dressed and reported for work at the CHC with the Breast Cancer Treatment Fund.

I have been with the CHC ever since. Not my longest employment, but by far my most productive.

I was a temp program assistant for 2 months, and then I was offered permanent employment with benefits. So even though I've been here since March '01, my official anniversary date is May 22, 2001.

I remained a program assistant for a few months longer, then I was promoted to program benefit specialist, dealing with patient billing. Knowing advanced database concepts has really helped me in my career. About a year later BCTF morphed into a new program called Care Coordination and Navigation Services (CCAN) and I morphed into doing full time database administration. I loved it, but it was not without its heartaches. I was in a technological power struggle with a colleague, and I was hating it.

One day, in late 2002 I was approached in the breezeway of my office complex by a mysterious woman in a black leather jacket. She asked me how things were going in my program. We chatted for a bit and then she told me this: "I've heard good things about you, we'd love to have someone of your caliber on our staff". Okay, I admit it, I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker.

And, okay, she wasn't a mysterious woman. I knew who she was, she was a program director for a different program in the company. But she did have a black leather jacket.

Shortly thereafter, an internal posting went out for the Cancer Registry of Central California, for a DC/QC I (data collection/quality control specialist). I applied. I was qualified. I had computer knowledge - I do have a BS in Information Systems from the Sid Craig School of Business at Fresno State, thank you very much. I had anatomy and physiology education from being an ex-dance major and having gone to massage school. And now I did have limited knowledge about breast cancer from my time with BCTF. I love to learn, always have, always will, so I knew I could learn whatever I needed to for this position.

I have no idea how many other candidates there were, but I was offered one of two positions open. The other position went to Melissa, who became my officemate, partner in crime, Romy to my Michelle. We are both Virgos, so things work out quite well. We are VERY understanding of each other. She is mommy to my niece Brianna who was born back in December, if you remember me mentioning it on my Blossoms blog.

I started with CRCC on 1/1/03 and hit the ground running. I had computer programs to learn, and about 8 manuals to go through BEFORE I even became useful. In a nutshell I had to apprentice for two years, then sit for a national certification. I took that exam in March of 2005 and upon passing I became a CTR- a Certified Tumor Registrar. Ah, so THAT'S where that came from. Yes! (Once upon a time my email address was cyclegirlCTR, but people kept asking me if I was Mormon, so I had to change it.) Of course passing my exam brought another promotion, so that's how I came to be the DC/QC II you now know me as.

Been doing it ever since.

I have tried, unsuccessfully, to leave. I applied to different regions, hoping to get the hell out of Fresno, but I think the "Grand Tapestry" had a different plan for me. I tend to cause problems where ever I go (personally, not professionally), so many lives and other things were saved by me not going anywhere. I am full of energy, ideas, and passions, with a touch of ADD, so calm collected environments are not quite for me. I long for them, those Zen environments, but I can't survive in Zen alone. I crave chaos. And I crave peace. I desire creativity, and I desire organization. I am always bouncing around from one extreme to the other, which is why I'm always tired ;) Okay, that and having two jobs. Eventually, I hope, I will find happy medium and be able to co-exist peacefully and creatively in the space where both realms overlap.

Love, Yvette

Yosemite (Finally)

Okay, let me preface this blog post with some thoughts. I was holding on to this post because I was trying to get it "just right", but then I realized, I'm going on a month holding this post, and it will be another six months before I can take some time to get it "just right". So, here it is, incomplete thoughts, bad grammar, and all.

Why? Check things out for mom. It's on my 43 things list to take my mom to Yosemite.

What? Drove down into the valley, hung out way too long at Bridalveil Falls, took lots of pictures at the creek. Drove around, walked around, took lots of pictures.

Stood under the veil- got properly soaked. Good thing I was properly outfitted. Drove the roads. Odd, not used to it. Used to parking and shuttling it around. Looking for parking and handicapped places. Then, since drove around so long, couldn't find parking :( After driving around some more, found parking near the infamous Camp 4. Shuttled to food then went to Lower Falls. Walked the handi route to see if it would be mom-friendly. If it's good enough for a wheelchair, then it's good enough for my momma's waddle. Moved the car to the day lot because could only park there until 6. Spent money at the gift shop like a tourist. Found a cute t-shirt especially for work at REI. If I think about it, I'll take a picture and post it.

Then TRIED to come home. I kept stopping. The views at sunset were stunning. From the moment I got in my car, to actually leaving-leaving, took about 90 minutes. Stopped to see Yosemite Falls, then El Capitan, Bridalveil Falls, then Half Dome from the other side of the tunnel (Wawona Tunnel). Of course once I finally got on my way, I got stuck behind a big tour bus going -10mph.

The drive from Fish Camp to Oakhurst was wild in the dark, and I was surprised by the full moon. I didn't even know there would be one that night. Once upon a time, I was very into the waxing and waning phases of the moon, but not anymore. But still, a big full moon is always pleasant on the eyes.

LOTS of walking. Not my normal "wear", but enough to break in the Merrell's. I've done some 5 mile walks, in both the Soles and the SuperFeet, I like the SuperFeet better. In honesty, I was hoping to be won over by the Soles, just because they have Ed Viesters name on them, but nope, this super girl likes her SuperFeet. (Mental note to self- need to do the write up on all the Chacos I bought).

Anyways, I stopped in Oakhurst for dinner, but was too tired to get out of the car, so I went through the drive-thru and then parked and ate in my car. What I found funny was that I wasn't the only person doing it. There was a man in the car to my left, and a couple in the truck to my right. I wonder if they all spent the day in Yosemite too.

Got home sometimes between 9-10 I think, then immediately downloaded my pictures. Of course I wore my shirt to work the next day. I couldn't wait, and now I'm just waiting to have another break in my schedule so I can go back. Hopefully with Mom. I want to go during the week, hopefully before memorial weekend. Because that's when tourist season starts. My goal is to go back for a total of 8 times before my pass expires, but with the price of gas, I don't know. Lately I've been paying 3.73-ish a gallon at Costco (as of 4/19/08), but I don't know how long they can keep it up (or down). 8 years or so ago, I was bitching about paying $2.50/gal. YOWZA. According to my high school senior scrapbook, gas at the AM/PM that used to be on Blackstone and Gettysburg near my childhood home was .89 for 87. But that was 1991. Yes, I'm O.L.D. (but my kind REI colleagues swear I'm under 30-- I love them!).

Enough talk about gas, it's too depressing. Here! Look at my Pictures: PICTURES It's not all the pictures, I'm still formatting them, but I will let you see what I have so far. Once they are all uploaded, I'll let you know.

Great trip, my only complaint is that I didn't drag anyone with me. I would have liked to have had my picture taken at the Tunnel View. I guess I could have asked one of the tourists to take one of me, but I swear (ok, not really) I was the only person there speaking English. Lots of other languages, most I recognized, some I didn't. And I love the black sock with sandals look-- NOT!!!!

Love, Yvette

43 Revisited

And one night (or was it day?)
I was awoken from a dream
I was dreaming of someplace like I'd never been
And I heard someone say
Someone's fallen in and they can't swim
So I leaned out and I pulled them in
And he was holding his head
And it was huge and shaped like a fish
And he slid down to the crook of the keel
And when I was sure he'd fallen asleep
I fell back to my reverie
--At the Beginning of Time by Jane Siberry

I've been meaning to get back to this list. My first edition of this list was back in 2006. You can read it HERE if you'd like. It's not required reading. I found it interesting that there were items on that list 2 years ago, that I don't care about anymore. I change. I'm still growing. I bet that 2 years from now, there will be things that drop off this new list. The items that made it on both lists I've bumped to the top, because, I guess they are core things. Things that may never change.

This new list has some new formatting, just for my personal organizing. You know how much I like cataloging ;)

Oh, and technically, I'm still missing one. :) Enjoy!

My 43...er...42 Things:

01. Donate Hair to Locks of Love X 11/17/06
02. Wear a Sari X 10/28/06
03. Learn Taiko Drumming X 12/10/06
04. Participate in a big charity/fund-raising project X 05/05/7 (Relay For Life)
the core list:
05. RIDE- Climb to Kaiser (and finish)
06. GET- My Passport
07. RIDE- A Century (a 100 mile organized bike ride)
08. HIKE- Half Dome
09. VISIT- Kyoto, Japan for the gardens and the blossoms
10. MEET- Lance Armstrong (yes, still)
11. SEE- Peter Gabriel in concert
12. LEARN- How to Play Guitar
13. LEARN- How to Make Sushi
14. VISIT- Deanna in Washington
15. MOVE- To Sacramento (In spite of everything, I still want to go)
16. RIDE- In a Bike Race
17. BE- A Bridesmaid (still hoping)
18. VISIT- The Grand Canyon
19. LEARN- Pointe (again): Take a Pointe Class
20. VISIT- Devil's Postpile
21. BUY- A Condo/Small House
the new additions:
22. SEE- The Aurora Borealis (in person)
23. WEAR- A Kimono
24. CLIMB- To Top of the Climbing Wall, AND GET BACK DOWN (I have serious heights issues)
25. SEE- Mt. Everest (in person)
26. VISIT- Pyramids at Teotichuacan
27. VISIT- Machu Pichu
28. VISIT- Egypt
29. VISIT- Death Valley (really visit, not this drive through at night shit)
30. VISIT- J-Tree
31. LOSE- Weight/Goal: 134 (not unreasonable, it's 20 over my dancing weight)
32. PAY- Off Student Loan (this is the one that feels least possible)
33. VISIT- Auschwitz (some things we should never forget)
34. LEARN- How to Tune-Up My Own Car
35. PET- A Tiger (a real one)
36. SEE- A Ghost (but just once)
37. LEARN- How to Scuba dive
38. VISIT- Take Mom to Yosemite (she's never ever been)
39. LEARN- Ballroom Dance- the Latin Dances
40. WALK- Across the Golden Gate Bridge and Back
41. LEARN- How to Do Cake Decorating.
42. VISIT- The REI Store in Seattle, WA
43. ???????????????????????????????????????????

What dropped off the list? Learning Japanese, Giving up soda, getting a tattoo, spending a weekend at a spa, learning to drive a motorcycle, going skiing, being published, writing a short story, taking a wine-tasting class, catching a fish, inspiring risk, introducing a couple, getting really good at yoga, and going to the chapel Madonna Del Ghisallo in Italy.

Does anyone else do this, or is this just my list fetish gone wild?

Love, Yvette

Life Is Good!

Isn't it? :)

First off, I just want to say a big thanks for my friends showing love and support in my moment of weakness. Jenny, John, Steve, mucho kudos to all of you. And no, I did not have a crush on Ramiro in high school, but I will confess, had he been single and asked me out for coffee, I would not have said no!

I'm still working on resizing my photos from the bike race. I had a great time and loved running into my REI co-workers. Mike, Richard, Brandon, Nancy, Kevin. I really enjoyed watching Brandon and Richard race. Races are cool regardless, but it's extra cool when you know some of the racers in real life. Now there were some racers there that I knew of, but did not know them in person. I read their blogs and visit their team websites. It's too cool to be able to see these people in real life. I tried to see the Lance man himself in San Francisco a few years ago before he retired, but he pulled out due to some lame-ass injury. Okay, maybe it wasn't really lame, but since I missed out on seeing him I felt really really denied, especially since that race day was on my friggin BIRTHDAY!!!!! Tell me that would not have been too cool for school?

I've been very busy this week, but life is good. Working lots of evenings so I haven't had time this week for much blogging. The day job is getting challenging too. We're losing another two colleagues this month. No, not the budget cuts again, one is retiring and the other one is making the jump from regional to state. My Marky Mark is leaving me to go play with the big kids up in Sacramento. The guys *I* report to. Unfortunately, because of the budget crisis we're in, they won't be replaced. Yup, more work for me!!! This is the time I don't mind sharing. Bummer dude.

Oh, and I've recovered from my Ramiro incident. Tonight, Robert Baber came into the store. Dude, I run into all sorts of people from my past in this place. I have a theory that REI is the hub of the universe. Actually, it was Robert and Kim- he married Kim Wheeler, they have two kids. Robert and I chatted for a bit, and it was a natural progression into the occupation subject. He works for a pharmacutical company, so I asked him about drug stuff since part of my job requires knowledge about chemotherapy agents. We had a brief conversation about DVT- deep vein thrombosis. It's funny what people who work in medical-related fields talk about.

Okay, that's it for now. It's WAY past my bedtime, and I have to go work in Porterville tomorrow. I'm being introduced to a new hospital and treatment facility. I'm kinda excited, because honestly, I've never even been to Porterville before. Peace out.

Love, Yvette

Today I Failed

This is one of those posts that wouldn't make it into Blossoms in the Sun, but must be spoken of regardless.

Today I failed. I failed REI, and most importantly I failed myself.

While at work today, one of my customers was a guy I went to high-school with and had a PE AC class with at Fresno State. To my fellow Pate alumns, it was Ramiro. You guys remember him, right? For reference, I haven't seen him in about 10 years.

Anyways, as usual, I recognized him right off the bat. I smiled and said Ramiro! He looked at me in recognition, but couldn't quite place me. Yeah, I'm like 75lbs heavier than I was back then, but that is neither here nor there. We weren't close, so that's the real reason he couldn't place me. It's only my smile that stays in people's memories. Not bad really, I like it. Back to the story, of course, I had to tell him I'm Yvette, we went to high school together, we had English with Mr. Shirey together and possibly History, but we also had Fencing together at Fresno State.

For the record, I sucked at fencing and Ramiro was a wunderkind like Malachi (aka Chris) who was a beginner for the first semester only and ever since was kicking ass. I'm pretty sure the handle on his foil was a pistol grip too....

So I asked Ramiro what he was up to. The usual, he's married, has a son who is just over a year old, and is a software engineer. We spoke briefly about our 10 year class reunion back in 2001. I went, he didn't. He was on his honeymoon.

So here is where the massive failure occurred:

He asked about me. The first words out of my mouth- actually the only words about myself out of my mouth were: This is my second job. My real job is in Cancer Information Management, I do data collection for cancer research.

Okay, everything I said was absolutely 100% true. But did you see what I did?

Sigh....

With the California state budget in the position it's in, I may very well find myself unemployed at the end of this fiscal year. So, with that looming over our heads every second of our 40 hour work week, the registry isn't quite the happiest place on Earth.

For me, right now, the happiest place on Earth is at REI. I absofuckinlutely love it there. I love my co-workers, I love my bosses, I love what we sell, I love what we stand for. Most of the customers are fantastic and I enjoy chatting with them. I love that I am learning so much about new activites (ie rock climbing, mountaineering, backpacking) and I have deep well of experience and knowledge to draw from for the activities I do partake in. Not to mention the shoes. THE SHOES!!!

So what happened? What did I do? At that moment I was utterly embarassed that he might think of me as "just a cashier". That being a cashier was "all that I had amounted to". Yeah, I lost my head and I freaked. Of course this was all garbage that *I* was putting into my head. He wasn't judging me. Why would he even care? And what is wrong with being a cashier at a kick-ass store like REI?

I feel like I have denied knowing my best friend, and I am ashamed :( I feel like I have just slapped all my wonderful co-workers in the face and told them that they are not good enough. I'm sorry. You are all wonderful people and I am so glad to be working with you.

A negative thought, and apprently a big insecurity that I just couldn't let myself sweep under the rug.

Love, Yvette

I Rode!

Wow, a day to end all days! I have a day off, I re-start blogging, AND I go for a bike ride. I should buy a lotto ticket.

A modest beginning, definitely. 8 miles with mild rollers. A more traveled cyclist would not have even noticed the length or the difficulty, but it was a very good first workout of the year for me.

Thanks to Belinda, my assistant store manager for today. Yesterday, before we opened the store, we had relay races on the sales floor. Laps of racing with rolling chairs, soft carts and bicycles. I rode the bicycle. Normally I ride with a helmet. It's the safe and sane thing to do, but yesterday I didn't. I rode fast enough inside the store that I caught wind and I felt it flowing though my hair. You cannot imagine how good that felt to me at that moment. For the rest of the day all I wanted to do was to go outside and feel the wind again. I felt like I had just awaken from a long deep sleep. I wanted to feel sun on my skin and wind on my face, feel muscles burn, and my alveoli stretch. Today, to feel all that, felt oh so good. And today is such a BEAUTIFUL day!!!

I hope your day is going as lovely as mine.

Love, Yvette